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No More Mr. Nice Guy

No More Mr. Nice Guy

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g. a “dependency on external validation,” like having perfect hair or receiving praise as a dad, “actually prevents people from getting to know” a man “just as he is” because “none of these things have anything to do with who he is as a person,” yet “they are the things he believes give him identity and value,” which is indeed a common dysfunctional behavior; conversely, Glover advises men accustomed to hiding their true selves and their mistakes to instead be themselves and own up to their mistakes, which is always good advice), he stumbles too often back into bad sexist advice (e. This sounds a lot like the “being controlling” and “being the savior” that Glover actually denounces as the dysfunctional behavior of Nice Guys. The third problem I have with Glover’s book is his sometimes cringingly bad choices of wording or framing throughout. But seriously, if what you mean is, do I recommend anyone ever read this book, my answer plainly is no. Yet toxic ideas about masculinity driving their dysfunction are more frequently going to come from men than from women, don’t you think?

By taking matters into their own hands – by practicing healthy masturbation – recovering Nice Guys can change the most basic dynamics that shape the bigger picture of how they do sex. Both childhood situations – trying to please an angry or controlling mother, or becoming mothers little partner - create a dynamic in which Nice Guys unconsciously became monogamous to their mothers and did not individuate in a healthy way. A client that is doing that, clearly does have a problem in need of correcting, and the corrective may indeed be to stop associating his self-worth with his wife or girlfriend’s libido, but it does not follow that every Nice Guy is doing that, or for the same correctable reason, or that this is all that emotional validation in a relationship is about. Trying to be a great lover pretty much ensures that a nice guy will not have many passionate, reciprocal, spontaneous, serendipitous, or intimate sexual experiences – Hardly a recipe for good sex! Once trust has been established, he can begin to reveal things about himself that create fear and shame.

Covey drew on education and business science, and though it’s really also just a philosophical advice book, not a science-based treatise, I find it lacks the resulting pitfalls of Glover, and offers more complete and healthy advice. Nice Guys are over-attentive; or always absent; are propelled by conscious shame; or else by unconscious shame. We get this sexism full-on when Glover outright blames “radical feminism” and its message “that men were bad and/or unnecessary,” which “furthered the belief of many men that if they wanted to be loved and get their needs met, they had to become what they believed women wanted them to be” and “for many men, this meant trying to hide any traits that might cause them to be labeled as ‘bad’ men.

The effect is an anemic supply of therapists, far below demand, most of which consumed by hacks, quacks, and sub-par professionals. If you don’t rely on any science, you can’t claim a science degree gives what you’re saying any authority. I am left to evaluate him just on a basis of philosophy and personal experience and the pertinent science I can reference, which is hardly scientific; I don’t need his book to do that. Because one of the trap-beliefs of toxic masculinity is that any challenge to it is an effort to emasculate, and is therefore rejected.This would lift some of the load, by actually giving citizens some of the actual skills to “suck it up” as society He needs to make clear what the difference is between a genuinely bad quality that one ought to habituate out of oneself (like, say, the Nice Guy Paradigm)—and that means openly and for real (not pretend to do it, nor hide that you’re doing it)—and something you merely misperceive as bad but that you could really just embrace and find a partner and circle of friends who are okay with it. I can come up with an answer (see The Real Basis of a Moral World and Your Own Moral Reasoning: Some Things to Consider); but Glover never goes into it.

Men do not choose to “not” get an erection; the cause can be anything from stress or anxiety to low blood pressure, or even, let’s be honest, a plain lack of sexual arousal. And he even makes reference to the fallacy of black and white thinking (without naming it), pointing out that a major problem trapping men in the Nice Guy Paradigm is their inability to comprehend any other way of being than either Nice or Not-Nice. We now live in a civilized world, which allows us the safety to turn delay and indecision into truer collections of beliefs over time.

By contrast, Covey recognizes everything he says is universal—not just a feature of or only of benefit to “men. Thus it is very difficult to even find an available therapist; and then very difficult to find one with legitimate skills and standards; and then difficult still to find one you can cultivate a good rapport with (since even being a top notch therapist does not guarantee compatibility or chemistry with every patient). Regardless, Glover insists abandonment causes an ego-centric explanation that causes “toxic shame,” which “is not just a belief that one does bad things” but “a deeply held core belief that one is bad,” and this causes Glover’s Nice Guy Syndrome. Glover’s causal model is, in a nutshell, that all children experience abandonment (at some point or other, and likely frequently, some need they have is not met “in a timely way” or at all; which is a truism for all human children), abandonment always causes children to develop an ego-centric causal explanation for it (because “all” children, he says, are “ego-centric”), and therefore children “always” (sic) blame themselves for it (“they” did something wrong; or there must be something wrong “with them”), and this leads to “toxic shame,” which Glover says “is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, or unlovable.

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